Work And Dance
I went into the office to make up my hours from my doctors appointments. Being in the hospital, and out on medical leave, I still used up most of my sick/vacation/personal time. Whatever I have left, I want to save it for when I am sick again, hopefully only a cold or flu. Or I may need some time off when I do the radiation treatments.
So whatever time I take off now, I will have to make up over the weekend - so I don't run out.
In the evening, I got all dressed up and went to a Christian Dance at Pierce College .
Now, I really don't feel well enough to dance yet. And I really didn't like the type of dancing they were doing. They were doing Salsa, Country, Ballroom - which I don't do. I am more of a free-style rock & roll type of a dancer.
But it was basically wanted to get out of the house and meet more people - so I decided to go anyway.
First, just driving through Encino was fun. I have never been to that part of town. I really don't know The Valley very much at all. So it was just fun driving through, and looking at all the shops and stores and such.
Once at the dance, which was $12 cover charge - my first stop is the ladys room. And there, I ran into two other women from the Singles Group last night. We started to chat and I said "Oh, good, now I know people here." They said there were more
people from the Singles Group at the dance, and they had a table, so I was welcomed to join them at the table.
Walking into Dances is just weird. Doesn't matter if they are Christian Dances, or Regular dances. The first thing is everyone checks you out. The men smile at you, trying to tell if you are interested in them.
I have always thought the entire singles scene was really weird.
I got a water, and some snacks. They had pretzels and tortilla chips and vegies. Except, I had had a big salad for dinner, and I didn't want more vegies.
I went and joined the six people from the Friday night Singles Group over at their table. I told them I really didn't want to dance. Funny, I didn't tell any of them about my surgery or cancer problems. I think last night I just mentioned "Health
Problems".
I just don't want to be know as "The woman in the group with cancer". Because technically, I don't have cancer anymore, the surgeon removed it.
After sitting in the corner at the table, I decided to try my luck over at the Munchie Table again. Maybe I could strike up a conversation with a Guy.
I carefully made my way around the dance floor. It was pretty slick, and I was afraid I would go sliding.
No one really seemed much for conversation with a stranger at this event. Either people were dancing the night away, or they were sitting in a corner watching people dance.
After a little bit, I decided to go back to my corner where I could watch other people dance.
Back at the table, the other woman asked how it had went. I said "Nobody is really chatting. They are all dancing."
It was closed to 10 pm, and I was thinking of leaving. I had figured I would be leaving early. The idea of spending $12 cover, then taking off, had originally not bothered me because I thought "Well, my $12 will go to whatever Christian group is putting on the dance."
Well, no ... The dance is put on by a Dance Studio. They throw these Christian Singles events where they give the dancing lesson before the actual Dance. I guess they are hoping it will lead to business for their Dance Studio.
A friend of mine had actaully asked me to go seeing a screening of "Cinderella", and I declined thinking I would rather be out meeting men at a nice christian dance, instead of sitting in a movie theatre.
Well, I told her afterwards, I might have had a better chance of meeting a Man over at the Cinderella screening.
Oh, well, at least I got out of the house for a while.
Church Singles Group
Over at Hollywood Presbyterian, they have a Singles Group for us over-40 folk. I went tonight, and it was nice.
We had a chicken dinner with salad and cookies together. There were three tables of about 6 to 8 people each. So the dinner gave us a nice time to chat.
Then after the dinner, the people in charge of the group did a little skit, about dating and meeting people.
And we asked questions after and had a discussion.
One of my resolutions after all my health problems is to get out more, and do more things, and meet more people. So this was certainly a nice way to do it.
I just don't know about Singles Groups - or at least Single Groups where the main topic of discussion is how to Not be single.
I would prefer to do things that I enjoy and meet people with common interests. Instead of meeting people who just don't want to be single.
But for a church group, it was a nice enjoyable evening.
I Luv My Doctor
Second day back to work, and I had to stop off this morning at the Breast Surgeons and get the infection checked.
When she walked into the room, her first question was "So how did the meeting at the Oncologists go ?"
Big Rule - never bad-mouth doctors to their colleagues. Always say something positive.
I said "I thought it was very informative. And I got alot of information. He seems to be a very well-informed doctor. He certainly told me the truth about things. But you know .. I just don't know what I think about this whole thing."
She said "Yeah, he called me and we talked."
I said "Let me get this straight... Do I have these numbers right ? Right now, I have a 30% chance of getting cancer somewhere in my body ? And the chemotherapy only lessens the chance by a quarter - 7.5 % - down to 22.5 % ? Its not going to cure me?"
The Breast Surgeon replied "Yes, thats right. No one can completely cure the cancer. We can only lessen the chances that it will come back."
I said "The oncologist sure didn't sugar-coat anything. He told me the Chemotherapy drugs could possibly have side effects of Heart Failure or maybe even kidney failure?"
She replied "Yes, he and I spoke about this. The chemotherapy drugs could make you so dehydrated, that you could go into Renal failure."
I looked her straight in the eye "If I had kidney failure, I wouldn't want to be put on a kidney dialysis machine."
She said "Well, that will have to be something you will have to think about and decide. We can't make any guarantees about that."
I told the doctor I had discussed this with friends, with my sister, and my minister - and I don't know if I can take the risk of chemotherapy.
She said "Yes, do your soul searching, and make your decision. You will have to figure out what you want to do. But don't worry. I am in this for the long haul. No matter what you decide to do, I will still be your Doctor. "
"Oh, good I am so glad to hear that." I said.
She said "The only time I get worried, is when patients won't investigate, and won't look into treatment options, and try to ignore it. If you research this, and make an informed decision, I don't have a problem with that. It is your choice."
I then said "If I don't do chemotherapy - will the Radiologist still want to give me the radiation treatment?"
Her answer was Yes. That as it stands now, I have a 50% chance of the cancer coming back in that same breast. But if I get the radiation, my percentage for breast cancer in the same breast goes down to what it was before I got cancer. In other words, Normal.
We then looked at my incisions, especially the one that got infected.
I told her that all I could do was change the bandage in the shower, dry it off, and then quickly stick another bandage on it.
I just couldn't stand to do anything else to it. It was to much looking at it.
She said that was fine. And that the incision looked good, and that the infection was all gone.
I said "Oh, good - are you going to sew it back up?"
No, she can't sew it back up or it might get infected again. It will have to heal like this.
Oh, dear - a few more weeks of looking at the Crater-looking-hole in my breast.
As I left, we made an appointment for another oncologist, for me to get a second opinion.
Then, I stopped into the Lab to get the blood tests that the first oncologist had ordered.
You know, I waited over an hour for my turn. I sat in the lobby playing computer games on my cell phone.
When the technician finally saw me, he turned out to be the best technician I have ever had. He used a Butterfly needle on my teeny-weeny veins, and got plenty of blood on the first poke with a needle.
Back to Work - Yeah !!!!
I have never been so happy to go back into the office. I have been on medical leave for 16 days.
I used to be down in the dumps about going to an Accounting job everyday - and not Acting everyday.
I love my job. I love my coworkers. I love my desk. I love all the paperwork. I love that my window looks down on Sunset Blvd.
I am happy and blessed to be here.
Of course, I still want to be an Actress. But my normal every-day life is just wonderful too.
Dinner & A Book
I needed to unwind from the Oncologists appointment. A quiet dinner and a good book should do the trick.
So I stopped off at Home Restaurant in Los Feliz.
I got the Thanksgiving Dinner - turkey, mashed potatoes, vegies and cranberry sauce.
I ate all the vegies on my plate - broccoli, carrots, zucchini and yellow squash.
They had a Green Tea available as a hot tea. I asked them if they could serve it iced, and they did.
I started to read Goldie Hawn's Autobiography, "A Lotus Grows in the Mud".
I always like to read about how other people have lived their lives. I always find autobiographies inspirational in that way.
And Goldie Hawn has had such a successful career in the entertainment business, I think this will be an interesting book.
But yes, it was hard to consentrate after such a rough doctors appointment.
I think alot of my emotional upset is about the cold hard reality that there is no cure for Breast Cancer. Or any kind of Cancer.
Once you've had it, you always live with the uncertainty of it returning. Whether your uncertainty in 30% or 23 %, the risk never goes away.
And that is a hard lesson to have to learn.
The Oncologist
I was really hard on The Oncologist.
And he knew it too.
Just walking into the Cancer Center was hard enough. I saw a woman leave with a scarf wrapped around her bald head, and it my emotions took a nose-dive.
I had to use the toilet, and I was so frightened and frazzled I flushed it twice before I sat down.
Everywhere I looked, there were reminders of something I don't want to do.
The one thing I told myself as I was driving was "Maybe the Oncologist will say something that will make me want to have chemo."
He did the exact opposite. He made me Not want to get it even more.
He said we would talk, he would get my medical history, and they he would give me my Options.
I was excited to hear the word Options, with an "S".
He explained to me everything I already knew.
Right now, as it stands - I no longer have Cancer. They removed it when they took out the tumor in my left breast, and the lymph node that had the cancer in it.
So it is gone.
But .... they don't know if any Cancer Cells made their way into my system or into my blood stream.
Because it was in my one lymph node, and because it was an Invasive breast cancer - meaning it spread outside the milk duct and into the surrounding tissue - they are assuming that I have Cancer Cells somewhere in my body - But Maybe, Maybe Not.
With all the modern technology that exists, there is no test available to check and find Cancer Cells that are floating around.
The only way they would ever know for sure, is if a Cancer Cell landed somewhere and started to build a cancerous tumor sometime in the future.
But for now it is a guessing game, so they are going to Assume that there are cancer cells.
A funny saying came to my mind as he was talking. I forget where I had heard it before.
"When you ASSUME, you make and ASS out of U and Me."
But with all the modern medicine available, we still have to Assume when it comes to Cancer Cells.
He recommended Chemotherapy. 4 and a half months.
Taxotere, Adriamycin and Cytoxan - were the Chemo drugs he would give me.
I wrote the names down and told him "I am going to go home and research these all on the internet."
Of course, He said.
I replied "Also, everything you do, I will need a xerox copy of it. You have to expect me to be 100% involved in the treatment that you are giving to me. I will ask alot of questions."
He nodded, Thats Fine.
But he looked alittle perturbed that I was taking notes.
Unfortunately, - Surprise, Surprise - my tumor was not Estrogen sensitive. If it had been, they could have just given me and drug and put me into menopause and we'd be done with it. But no such luck.
Then he went over the possible side effects. He started with the obvious. Hair Falling Out. Nausea.
I said "I don't care about my Hair Falling Out, or being nauseous. Those will go away. I want to know what this will do to my internal organs."
He said One drug can possibly cause heart failure. Another drug can possibly cause blood in the urine because of problems with the bladder.
Wait, Wait, Wait ... Heart Failure ?
Did you see on my CT scan, it showed some abnormalities with my heart. I can't risk Heart Failure !
(All my rough years of being too heavy-set and partying alittle to much, seems to have given me a borderline enlarged heart.)
He said, We'll have to do an echo-cardiogram on you to test your heart, to see if it can handle the drug.
Then I asked "What about my kidney? I only have one kidney."
(They removed one when I was 9 years old, because it was dead since birth.)
Yes, he replied, the chemotherapy can make you so dehydrated that you can have renal failure.
"No" I said "I will NOT risk losing my kidney. I will NOT end up on a kidney dialysis machine."
I asked him .... What chance do I have of getting cancer again ?
As it is now, with just the surgery .... The general population has a 30% chance of getting cancer somewhere in their body.
Then I asked him... If I get the Chemo, what then are my chances ?
He tried to make it sound good.... but it didn't work.
He said the Chemo would reduce the 30%, by 25% or a quarter. He said that was 12%.
But I work in an accounting office... half of 30 is 15... half of 15 is 7.5
For all this risk to my internal organs ... Heart Failure with a semi-damaged heart, Kidney Failure with only one kidney ..
You are only giving me a 7.5 % deduction ? From 30 % down to 22.5 %. ?
"Thats not enough" I told him "I don't see how the risk evens out with the 7.5%. It doesn't equal to me."
Especially when I currently don't have Cancer, and we are Assuming about the Cancer Cells....
He refused to discuss Experimental Drugs, or Clinical Studies - saying that they were far more dangerous than the drugs that he would give me, because there was so little known about them.
So there was no "Options" with an "S" - it was singular, just one option available - Chemotherapy.
We were getting into a pretty heated discussion, when the nurse broke down the door.
"Doctor, So-and-So is having a bad reaction to her Chemo Drug."
The doctor jumped up, and dashed out without a word.
Okay... you forgot to mention that. I could have a bad reaction to the Drug.
Jot down one more possible side effect.
He came back in, and we continued our heated discussion.
"If you said you could completely cure me of getting this cancer again, then maybe it would be worth risking these possible side effects", I told him.
No one can guarantee that, he replied.
I said again I don't see how this small reduction is worth the risk.
He said something about getting into your car and driving on the freeway is a Risk too, but you do it.
Oh, no... wait, I thought to myself - that comparison does not make sense.
I stated again, and with more force "If my kidney fails during Chemo, I will not go on a dialysis machine."
"Now you are getting overly emotional", was his reply.
Gee, such a pat answer. Just poo-poo my concerns, Doc, I thought to myself.
The Nurse barged in again. Another problem with a patient.
The doctor dashed out.
Ok, these emergency interruptions are showing me something here.
The Doctor came back in. He looked completely exasperated by me and my opinions.
He said "Aren't you afraid of getting cancer again?"
I replied "No - I am afraid you are going to damage my internal organs, when I am not even sick."
He said "Look, you have to have faith in your Doctors."
I looked at him "Its not you that I don't have faith in. I don't have any faith in the procedure you are recommending."
I said "Lets do this. Run the blood tests. And lets do the Echo-cardiogram. That way we will have the results. Then I guess you will want an answer in a certain amount of time too".
He said "Two weeks."
I said "Okay, good, I will come back in two weeks, after you have the test results."
I made all the appointments for the follow-up tests. The information is good for me to know. And I am sure the Radiologist needs the info when he is ready to do Radiation to my Breast.
But I could tell by the look on the Doctors face, that he pretty much had figured out that I was planning on not getting the Chemo - or at least Not getting the Chemo with him doing it.
Totally Drained
I walked around today feeling completely drained. I don't know if its from the emotion of dealing with the infection in my incision, or from the dread of seeing the oncologist tomorrow.
Taking off the bandage in the shower this morning, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life.
On the part of the incision that got infected - there is now a hole the size of a nickel. And the hole is deep, deep into my skin.
Like a Crater.
The goal was to get into the shower and after the bandage gets wet, to pull it off. Let the water run over it. And then use hydrogen peroxide on it before putting another bandage on it.
No, not going to happen.
I slowly pulled the bandage off - and after I saw the super-huge hole in my right breast - I just freaked out.
I put the bandage back on it.
I immediately got out of the shower, dried it off, and put on a new bandage.
I had to sit down for a while after that one. That was pretty dern freaky.
As I walked around my apartment getting dressed, I was muttering under my breath "I have to get back to my normal life. I can't go on like this any longer."
I needed to do my grocery shopping at Whole Foods . I was running out of all my necessary organic things, and I needed them.
I mainly ended up buying alot of vegetables and free-range, organic chicken breasts.
But I was on auto-pilot.
After the events of this morning in the shower, I was drained. Totally out of it.
The emotional stress just zapped all my energy.
Pretty Things
One thing about being sick, you get pretty things via UPS and the postoffice.
Crabtree & Evelyn Rosewater Gift Basket from The American Cinematheque , where I do volunteer work.
It really really smells good. 
Orchids, sent by the department where I work. They are lasting forever. 
A bouquet of flowers, sent by another department at my office. Very pretty.
Infections, Blackouts and Nightmares
I was so happy to see the Breast Surgeon this morning. She cleaned out the incision that got infected. Tho, after a weekend on antibiotics, it looks about 75% better.
Then she patched me up with all new gauge bandages.
The incision on my right breast, half of which was infected, got packed with gauze. It looks like the incision split open due to the infection.
I really didn't look at it, it was to gross for me. Just as long as she bandaged it up so I couldn't see it.
Usually at the Doctor I think I act like a grown-up adult. But having to deal with an incision which half was open and infection ... well, I regressed to about the level of a six year old.
"Put a bandage on it. I don't want to look" I told my Breast Surgeon. "Put a bandage on the other two incisions too."
"But the two other incisions are healing wonderfully, they don't need gauze anymore" replied my Breast Surgeon.
"No, no - put bandages. I swear I saw a spot of blood. I think they were leaking."
She took me to the mirror, and showed me that the incision on my left breast, and the one under my armpit were both just fine.
I didn't care. It was all to much, I wanted gauze over them.
It was kind of like "Mommy, Mommy - fix my Boo-Boo".
She gave me instructions for my shower tomorrow. Which involved removing the gauze. I hope I can handle it.
After that doctor appointment, I needed to get away. I had an AMC Coupon in my purse which was close to the expiration date. The kind they sell at your company for around five bucks.
I figured from Glendale I'd just head up San Fernando Road, and go to the AMC 16 Theatres in Burbank , to catch "Red Eye".
Yes ... a Thriller would get my mind off of the yucky infection, and the doctors appointment.
I stopped in alittle Greek Restaurant for lunch before the movie. Looking through the menu for food that I will allow myself to eat was kind of difficult. No cheese, No Beef, No processed foods. Since its a restaurant, I doubt no preservatives.
I settled on a Chicken Pita Wrap - there was lettuce and avocado in the wrap. With an Ice Tea.
It came with a huge pile of french fries. I allowed myself four - the fries weren't that good anyway.
Dang, have my dietary habits changed since having breast cancer surgery.
At the movies - oh, this is to funny - what kind of snacks can I get ?
I usually get Red Vines , even though it has artificial red dye in it - the label says "No preservatives and No fat".
But I didn't feel like candy right now.
So I settle on... hmmm, okay - bottled water is the best.
And a Cinnamon Pretzel. Its kind of starchy. Maybe my stomach won't know its not popcorn.
I settle in for the One o'clock show with about six other people.
We watch all the advertisements.
Then nothing. Just a blank screen.
The low lights are still on. Oh, no - projection problems ?
I play with the games on my cell phone to kill time.
Soon, the Manager comes in. He makes an announcement that all the lights in the City of Burbank are out. And they don't know when they are coming back on. They will have to give us a coupon to see another movie at another time.
So everyone in the movie theatre had to file out, pick up our movie coupon, and leave.
As I was leaving, there were a few people trying to find out where, outside of Burbank, was another AMC Theatre so they could use their coupons
that afternoon.
I sure hope they didn't drive anywhere just to see a movie. (Turned out that half of the City of Los Angeles was in a black-out. Something around Two Million people affected.)
We had to walk down the steps - no escalators - to the mall area below by the ticket booth.
I decided to hang around for a bit, in case this was a short term thing, and they would start up the movies again.
And I didn't feel like driving back to Hollywood with no traffic lights working.
I just watched all those people stream out of the AMC 16 with their popcorns and sodas in their hands.
Of course, when something like this happens - people who are strangers and would never normally talk to one another start to gab.
All these Single people who hang out at matinees on Mondays by themselves, just chatting away.
One lady was convinced it was the terrorists, and she was worried, she didn't know what to do. She didn't want to drive home either without traffic lights.
(Turns out it wasn't terrorists. Just a DWP employee, who messed up and cut the wrong wire. Seriously. A stupid little thing like that, and half the city is without power.)
I ended up sitting on a bench next to a guy calling all his friends on his cellphone, to see if they were also blacked-out.
Well, that sounds like a good idea.
The first person I called works in Encino .
His advice : Drive home now. Because all the offices are letting their workers go home, and soon the roads will be a mess.
So I drove back to Hollywood. And everyone on the street seemed to be behaving themselves. Going slow. Stopping at all the intersections.
Taking turns going through the intersections. For the most part anyway.
I was really surprised at how civilized all the drivers were.
The closer I got to Hollywood, the more traffic lights were working.
When I got home, my alarm clock and microwave needed to be re-set. But I had power.
Well, I didn't care about the power. I needed a nap.
The Doctors Appointment, followed by a Black-out, must have drained me.
My nap turned into a Four hour deep sleep.
And I had Nightmares ...
As I dreamed, I was in a half asleep, half awake state. I was trying to get myself to wake up, and I couldn't do it.
I felt a large hand, holding both my hands, and holding them down on my chest.
I could swear someone else was in my apartment.
I kept saying to myself "Wake up, wake up, theres someone in the apartment."
But I could not get myself to wake up.
Eventually, I fell back into the deep sleep.
And when I woke up, I realized it was all just a nightmare.
I guess I could interpret the dream. In the dream, I was powerless. Someone was holding me down.
Like I had wanted to get away from the Infection by going to a movie. And I couldn't because the black-out happened.
Is this how I felt about dealing with Breast Cancer Surgery ? The infection in my one Incision ? The Black-out that Los Angeles just had ? My possible future chemotherapy and radiation ?
Its pretty scary when you can't control what is going on. And you can't get away from it either.
Busy Sunday
There was a new Bible Study starting at Church this morning.
So I got up early to make it there in time for 9:30.
However, there was a Marathon that went right down Hollywood Blvd. How to cross over and get north ?
I finally found a freeway entrance that I could get to.
As I entered the freeway on the entrance ramp, this huge yellow construction Big-Rig thing, was in the slow right lane.
It had one of those big signs that said "Wide Load".
Well, I was speeding up to get on the freeway.
The "Wide Load" driver wasn't slowing down to let me on. He was going way to fast for the slow lane, considering how big he was.
I had to slam on my breaks, and stop on the shoulder.
He almost killed me.
"Just great" I thought, as I drove to church "I go through surgery for breast cancer, just to almost get killed in a freeway accident."
My Breast Surgeon would not have been happy.
I made it to the Bible Study a half hour late. The Stephen Minister was there, and had saved a seat for me. I stayed for church.
After church, there was a BBQ going on.
We walked around, trying to see if they were offering Turkey Burgers.
The lines went out of the church courtyard area, and on to the street.
I decided that I didn't want to stand in line, only then to find out that there were only beef burgers.
I will only eat organic beef.
I ended up having lunch at home. And doing things on the computer.
For the evening, I planned to meet with a group from Los Angeles People Connection
for a free classical music concert at LACMA . It was a classical violinist and pianist.
It felt really good to get out and socialize. I love going to the museum, and I don't go enough.
And I figured I was only going to go and sit at a classical concert, so it wouldn't be to much of a strain.
I have to say that I really enjoyed the evening.
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