Donna in Hollywoodland

The colonoscopy

You know a good friend, when they will pick you up at 6:30 in the morning to drive you to the hospital for your colonoscopy.

We arrive at the hospital, check in, and end up having to wait a half hour until they come to get us.
As we are sitting in the waiting area, I am telling my friend that I'll treat him to lunch and a movie after the procedure.
Because I am sure I will want to eat right away.
I mean, 2 days on a liquid diet, and absolutely nothing since midnight last night.

The male Nurse finally comes to get me for the procedure.
He is asking me questions as we walk along the hospital corridors.
How's my health ? Any complaints ? When was the last time I ate ? Current medications ?
Then, the best question I have ever been asked in my entire life :
"Have you lost ten or more pounds within the last 6 months, without any cause?"

I stopped, and looked at him.
"Dang, don't I wish !"

He must get that same answer to that question very often.

We are now in the Pre-Op room. And I am in my little cubicle.
I get undressed, put on the gown, and lay down on the rolly-polly gurney.

They prick my finger to check my blood sugar levels.
I am hypoglycemic, and I've been on a liquid diet for two days.
And guess what? My sugar is to low.
I need a glucose drip.

Except all my veins are hiding. They are buried deep down because there is no sugar in my system, and I'm alittle dehydrated.
So they try to prick me, but its not working.
They do place an IV in my arm, but they tell me something about the Nurses will have to jiggle the IV to get the glucose to flow.
Oh, thats just great.

The Assistant who is going to be with the Doctor comes to wheel me in the gurney to the room for the procedure.
Me and my gurney are right next to the TV monitor. I am thinking "Great, I can watch everything."

My doctor comes in, and they are not happy with having to jiggle the IV tube to get me glucose.
My doctor says "I hear you left your veins at home today."
Plus there is something about the blood pressure monitor not working with the way the IV is placed. They try the blood pressure monitor on my leg, and it about kills me.
So they call in an Expert Vein guy.

We must wait about 20 minutes for Expert Vein Guy. And my hands and arms start turning blue.
Not good, need sugar.
The Assistant starts to rub my hands and try to keep them warm.
Well, that won't help. I need sugar.

As Expert Vein Guy starts to do his thing, I start to pump my hand to help the blood.
He says "Please don't do that, I'm a non-violent type of guy."

The Expert Vein Guy has my glucose drip in place in easily under 3 minutes.

Once in place, here comes my doctor and one more assistant. They tell me to lay on my left side.
And they say "We're going to give you the anesthesia. You will just be in a twilight state".
I feel the room start to spin.
I start to panic.
"No, no - I don't like this. I don't like being drunk. This isn't good"
I close my eyes to stop the spinning.
And I am out cold.

I'm not sure if I just didn't "do" twilight state. Or if, because I was panicking, the doctors decided to up the dosage, and just knock me out. Whichever, I was out.

Next thing, I wake up in the Recovery room.
And unlike my surgery back in August, where I fought to stay awake after coming out of it. This time I drift in and out of sleep.
I am just to sleepy.

Here is how to tell the results of your Colonoscopy.
If the doctor appears in the recovery room, its bad.
If its just a nurse who could care less, then you are fine.

The Nurse looks at the chart "Ok everything is Normal. Normal colonoscopy. See, here on the paper. The doctor wrote Normal. Now, sign it."
She kind of tosses the clip-board at me. And I sign it.
No chance to ask any questions.
I read it later, and it states that my colon is unremarkable.
Me and my unremarkable colon.
Not so much as a speck of anything in there.

My friend and I drive back towards Hollywood.
Oh, my tummy.
He is driving via the hills near the Hollywood sign. Yes, it is pretty. But the roads are to twisting.
But stomach is not in a good mood.

I tell him "There is no way, I can do lunch. I need to just go home."

Once home, I decide on some Campbells noodle soup to break my two day liquid fast.
I opened the can, look at the noodles ... and barf up in the sink.
How can there be anything at all to barf up ? I've been on a fast for two days.

I decide on lots of white bread. Hawaiian White Bread.
It seems to suck-up whatever is making me sick to my stomach.

The directions they sent me home with say No driving, No Alcohol.
So I spend the day on the couch eating white bread and canned soup.
Its about 7pm, when I finally have a little chicken, and alittle baked potato.