Donna in Hollywoodland

Radiation Time

My first thought at waking up today was "I don't want to kill my breast tissue."
I thought it right as my eyes opened, and I lay there.
But I know I have to have the radiation to kill any cancer cells that might still be in my left breast.
Without the radiation, I stand a 50% chance of getting cancer in that breast again.
I call it "my deal with the Devil". I didn't want a mastectomy, I wanted to keep my breast - so that meant a lumpectomy with radiation.

And now that the radiation is starting, I was depressed. As I got ready for work this morning, I kept apologizing to my left breast. "I'm sorry I have to do this to you. I don't want to. But I have to."
Then ... I would get mad. It was my Breasts own fault - its the one who turned on Me, and gave me cancer in the first place - so it deserves to have radiation done to it.
I swear it was the weirdest psychological discussion I have ever had with myself.

At 2pm, I left the office to drive the Radiation Dept in Glendale. I listened to one of the meditation tapes on my way over.
I was so nervous. I asked alot of questions.
It is 90 rads, aimed at my left breast from the right angle. About 30 seconds.
And 90 rads aimed at my left breast from the left angle. About 40 seconds.
A total of 180 Rads, 5 days a week - about 5 and a half weeks - a total of 28 treatments.

I am probably raised a good 4 feet in the air, up on the table. There are about 2 or 3 technicians with me. And they always leave together to go into the other room to press the button to start the radiation therapy. I am sure this is for the hospitals own protection, but it made me feel good that they were double-checking eachother.

Its just the Xray machine being aimed at me. You don't feel anything.
But it was freaky. I tried to meditate while the little buzzer was buzzing for 30 seconds, then 40 seconds.
I wasn't very good at it. I panicked alittle.

Afterwards, I went into the bathroom so I could apply my Aloe Vera gel before I got dressed.
I felt alittle woozy. Kind of faint. It was weird.

The Social Worker wanted to talk to me. We went into a private room, so we could discuss my emotional outlook on things.
As I was talking to her, I would have little periods of feeling faint. I asked her about it.
She said, no people don't usually get tired on their first treatment.
I kept chugging my bottled water.

I figured fresh air would do me good. And I told the social worker that I needed to get back to work.
I was woozy.

I sat in the courtyard, eating a Pear. According to Chinese Medicine, pears help remove heat from your body. They are good to eat when having radiation.

Then half-way through the Pear - I felt better. Then I realized it.
I am hypoglycemic.
I ate lunch at 12:30.
I had my radiation, close to 3pm and I hadn't eaten after lunch.
I needed sugar. And the pear did the trick.
No more woozy feeling.

Then driving, I said "You know - all this holistic stuff I am doing. I need something to really fix things. I need Coffee Bean !"
There is a Coffee Bean on the first floor of the building where I work. And I never buy anything there. Its so expensive.
And some people buy something there every day. Thats alot of money.
well, guess what - If I am having radiation 5 days a week - then I can have Coffee Bean 5 days a week.
I don't care right now if Diary products are off my diet. The Radiation seems more of a mental and emotional thing for me right now. I deserve to be good to myself. And I am having a treat. Today it was a Decaf Latte and a Chocolate Twist.
Just what I needed... just what the doctor ordered. It really helped to calm me down.