Donna in Hollywoodland

God Can Heal You - uh-huh

Due to the doctors appointments this week, I went in to the office today for a few hours, to make up my time.
I need to save the little sick time I have left, for when I do the Radiation Treatment.

I went in late about one o'clock, so when I left I would go directly to Saturday evening church service.

I had wanted to visit Shepherd in the Hills out in Porter Ranch.
But with the California wild fires going, I decided that it would not be a good idea to drive out there.

I went to The Church on The Way instead.

Part of it is that my regular church Hollywood Presbyterian has so many problems right now. They put the pastor on leave of absence. Most of the congregation has left because of it.
And I want a big church, with lots of activities. If I have to drive a way to find it, thats okay.
And if the church also has Saturday night and/or Sunday night services, in addition to Sunday morning, that would be even better - because there is more flexibility as to when I can go to church, and what I can do on my Sunday.

Well, Church on The Way meets alot of those points. Their Sunday bulletin is like a magazine, there is so much to do.
But there is a difference between the two denominations. Hollywood Presbyterian is Presbyterian. Church on the Way is Foursquare. I am no comparative religion expert, but let me explain one difference as I see it.

Presbyterians seem to pray very traditionally, and quietly. When I've had people pray for me about the cancer, they do ask God to heal. But its said very quietly and I wonder how much they believe what they are asking for. I even heard one Presbyterian Minister talk against Faith Healers, and how they leave people emotionally devastated when the prayers don't work.
With an attitude like that, I really have not seen alot of sickly people at the Presbyterian services.

As for the Foursquare Denomination, they are considered either Pentecostal or Charismatic - and they definitely believe in Spiritual miracles. They pray and ask God to heal, and they really expect that God will do something about it

So it was difficult for me to be a the Church on The Way service tonight. There were sick people there who needed God to heal them. Not alot. But a few.
The next aisle over, there was a woman who was in the middle of chemotherapy. She was bald, and wearing a pink plastic bracelet.
It really made me uncomfortable to look at her. That could be me some day. It was hard. I didn't handle it very well. It put me in a weird emotional space.
(When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, someone sent me a Lance Armstrong bracelet. I wore it for about 2 hours, and then took it off. I hated it. Every time I looked at my wrist, I was reminded I had cancer.)

In the row in front of me, there was a woman with really bad Parkinsons. She shook alot, all through-out the service.
I panicked alittle, wondering if I should move. I worried about a germ jumping on me. "Oh, calm down" I told myself.
Its amazing how having something like Breast Cancer, and going through surgery, has made me so phobic.
The woman behind me coughed a few times, and if I had anything to be phobic about - it should be catching a cold from her.
Fear is a really weird irrational thing sometimes.

Then of course, the Service. Part of the message was: God Wants to Heal You.
I listened, but part of me was emotionally shut off. Its to hard to ask for that right now.
I can't imagine God healing me.
I can't imagine the Doctors healing me.
I have more faith in vitamins, food supplements and organic produce right now.
I think alot of these feelings is that I blame myself - for eating too much junk, and not loosing weight, and not taking care of my 40-something year old body.

Towards the end of the service, they asked us to hold hands with 3 other people and pray.
I was honest about my prayer "I had a cancerous tumor removed from my beast. And now I want wisdom about that steps to take next. Wisdom for the doctors, Wisdom for me."

One girl in our group - the girl with the cough - chirped up "Maybe God will just heal you."

I just looked the floor and didn't answer.